Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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