I didn't shave. On purpose
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
