Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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