If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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