just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
