I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just gargled with NyQuil
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
