so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
