I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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