i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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