Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I AM VODKA MAN
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
