Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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