I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
