I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
