saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
