Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
