The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
