I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Drake has all the answers
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
