I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
