This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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