So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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