The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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