Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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