Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
