I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
