After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
