Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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