You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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