Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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