I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
