Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
