I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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