i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
