I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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