Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
