so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
