you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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