My Higher Power is John Stamos
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
