ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
