there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
