Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
it was like having sex with a tree stump
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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