Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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