Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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