just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
