Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
