masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
