Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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