I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
