Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
