I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
