she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize