I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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