you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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