So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
