I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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