My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
