my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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