Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
