We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
