Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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