The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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