is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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