Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I booty called her while she was in labor.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
whose parrot is this?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
