You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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