I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
