he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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