I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
